_MG_0059
Jan05

Looking Forward…and Back

I remember the days when blogging consumed my life regularly.

It had all started in a rather roundabout way, as I had hoped to flirt (albeit VERY indirectly) with a guy I worked with. My assumption is that surely he would read my posts, be taken by me, and declare his undying love. In reality, the guy was a player and I was a fun game in his book. I moved on.

Like many others, blogging was a way to connect with friends and have a place to share the cool stuff I found or speak my mind. Then it became something bigger — a way of connecting with new people, getting to know them and allowing them to know me. That is still the best reason I blogged.

Then I lost it. The blogosphere grew exponentially fast, and I felt like one more voice in an ocean of voices. The way people were connecting changed, and in some places, high school-esque cliques seemed to form. So I stopped. I didn’t want to worry about producing content for the day, or forcing myself to attend festivals and events I didn’t want to go to, just to grab new photos. I wanted to live my life fully for myself.

And that’s precisely what I’ve done for the past two years? three years? I’m not even sure anymore.

Blogging has become like theatre for me – a dull aching inside me, feeling as if something is missing but unsure what the pangs are most of the time. I miss being on stage. I miss writing. I miss connecting with my audience, whether they’re in plush red velvet seats or sitting at home on the sofa with a cup of coffee.

I’m not entirely sure what this new phase will be, but I’m going deep this time. I’m not holding back. Let’s begin…

BB_TravelerPath
Sep08

Walking the Path

I’ve been thinking a lot about paths recently. It lingered on my mind when I woke yesterday, how things twist and turn and find yourself somewhere you never expected to be.

School made life seem so easy. In high school, the path was clear: go to college, get a job, meet a boy, fall in love, marry.

Things aren’t that smooth.

I went to college with a double major in mind, graduated with only one in hand, but was positive that career path wasn’t for me.

I’ve felt like a pinball since then, moving from job to job, from major to major to graduate school, from city to city. With each university program or new job, I thought the path would finally show itself, that something would finally click.

Then I abandoned the path completely and started a business. In two years, I’ve learned there is no real path, no certain direction to move in. There is only the path we forge for ourselves, the world we create around us.

This is what live is. This is what vulnerability is — admitting we don’t entirely know what we’re doing but promising ourselves that we’re going to do it boldly, that we’re going to stop defining ourselves in single terms or job titles, that we’re going to dare greatly, fall, and rise strong.

Come, traveller, and walk with me.

Photo from Brené Brown — go pick up her new book, Rising Strong. It’s crazy inspiration at your fingertips.

shenandoah-virginia-weekend-brandi-bernoskie
Sep02

How to be an entrepreneur and date someone who’s not

A lot happened in August. I drove down to Asheville twice for mastermind retreats. I’m still processing losing my beloved Marty (and helping my other cats through their grief too). I discovered that I’m building an empire with my business. And I started dating someone.

This someone — we’ll use his first initial of G for now — is not an entrepreneur. He has a job he loves that has a solid pension and lots of vacation time. He has plans and dreams and the drive to potentially move into another position. But he is not an entrepreneur.

How is he ever going to understand this business thing I’m doing?

Having my own business has meant late nights and long hours and vacations that aren’t really vacations because I need to answer emails. Now, I’m getting some great systems into place to help things run smoothly (and help them run without me around sometimes), but I’m not there yet. I still have to give up a Sunday here and there to push forward with some projects and position myself to handle the influx of new clients and emails and projects.

I think G is already beginning to understand that he’s not only dating me but also in a relationship with my business. I’ve had to disappoint him once already and miss a friend’s party because I needed to work an extra day and make progress with some projects I had already promised myself to.

This is just reality for me: I love what I do, and while it’s not all I am, it’s important to me.

So how am I handling all of this? (And keeping this guy who doesn’t quite understand the entrepreneur thing around?)

  1. I’m drawing boundaries. When I’m off and spending time with him, I’m off. No emails or calls. Just us.
  2. I’m putting systems into place so when I’m off, my brilliant team is handling things.
  3. I talk about what’s happening, what I’m doing, and why it’s so important to him. He may not be in it, but I can share my excitement and challenges with him.
I love my business, but I am so much more than my business.

I’m more than a website developer or business owner or entrepreneur. I’m bigger than that. And creating space to nurture all the relationships in my life is key to my health and happiness.

And I’m pretty sure G and I will figure out the rest along the way.

my-cat-marty
Aug07

Missing

This is going to be raw. I don’t know how else do talk about this.

Five days after I returned from my time in Atlanta and Tennessee, I had to say goodbye to my sweet cat, Marty.

He was such a fighter and so stubborn at times. After the vet discovered the lymphoma, they gave him a month to live. Marty gave me 8 months.

I’ve had trouble writing lately, because I want to write about him. But when I do, I cry hard. I miss him so badly and it still hurts.

His loss has made me think about those other lights I’ve lost. So today, here’s what I’m missing:

mornings on the porch, sipping tea, watching Marty explore the yard

the way he dipped his paw into milk to drink it

Marty’s stare in the middle of the afternoon, when he was ready for food

how he licked my little cat Cami clean when my mom brought her home

the way Marty curled up between my legs at night so we could sleep

the wrestling fights he and Hugo would get into

the moments where all he wanted to do was be next to me and sleep

how I kissed his belly hundreds of times after the surgery, wishing for a miracle

watching the transformation as Marty went from a scared cat from the pound to a trusting loyal friend

I wake up some mornings and still can’t believe I arrived here, that he’s gone. He was the glue in my little family of human plus three cats.

I’ve been thinking of all he taught me — to take time, to slow down, to love unconditionally and fiercely.

My heart is broken, but I am so incredibly grateful for all the time we did have.

All Rights Reserved © Brandi Bernoskie LLC