Stocksy_txpc7b2dd37PcT000_Small_664498
Jun30

Hitchhiking on Someone Else’s Dream

A few weeks ago, a friend told me of a business he wanted to start: an online archery shop.

I wanted in.

It was easy to imagine myself in charge and building an incredible company. More than anything else, I imagined all of the content I could create for the world, particularly for young girls interested in archery. I had such good ideas.

But the dream wasn’t mine. I was hitchhiking on his dream.

It wasn’t the first time I had done this. I’ve lost myself in teachers’ plans for me, the requirements of companies I worked for, the expectations of graduate school.

I remembered standing in my graduate advisor’s office, as he told me that I needed to give up my hobbies if I wanted to be a philosopher, that I needed to dedicate more time (subtext: all my time) to this career. It was then I decide I was done trying to please other people.

I left grad school, got a job, and started working. I tried to excel but there was no place for initiative. I tried to fit in but I felt entirely out of place in a company where everything was wrapped in red tape. I was told I wasn’t quite meeting expectations. It was then I was done with not being myself.

I wanted freedom – to travel when I wanted to, to dress in a way that expressed who I am, to live wherever I’d like, to take time off when I need to, to be myself – my full, vibrant self.

I considered what working on this archery shop would look like for me. It wouldn’t be mine, not properly, and there would be new expectations. So I asked myself,

Why hitchhike on someone else’s dream
when I can dream something even better for myself?

Precisely.

questions-skye
Jun23

The Questions You’re Left With

Travel is my drug of choice. Every time I find myself somewhere new, or somewhere I haven’t been in a long time, I’m pushed and pulled. I notice more, I adventure more, I dive into my non-self a little deeper.

Skye did that to me. It pushed my boundaries, and as I drove off the island my last leisurely morning in Scotland, Skye left me with troubling questions:

Can I love at the depth I long to? Will I have the chance?

What am I meant for? What destiny am I creating for myself?

Where do I need to be to grow?

They’re not questions that can be answered in a day or a night. I am required to give them a lifetime, to ask them and answer them over and over again as if twirling in a never-ending dance.

I’m troubled by that and I’m also in love with it. The questions all weigh on my heart.

And all I know is that Skye will draw me back again, when the time is right to ask more of me.

rowantreeonskye
Jun09

The Highlands

Three years ago, I wrote a note and buried it in the middle of a stone circle, beneath a rock at the center. The circle wasn’t made of tall standing stones the British Isles are known for, but smaller ones, easily carried and moved. But the circle was special and the land was special and I promised to return.

And so I did. I made my way back to the Scottish Highlands.

waterfallonSkye

I don’t know entirely why I’m homesick for a place that I’ve never lived. But it calls to me, even now when there are too many months between now and when I next return.

bridgeonskye

carinsonskye

Somehow, the Highlands have bewitched me. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

kiltrockskye

mercuryretrograde
Jun02

Mercury Retrograde

Sometimes, everything is chaos.

That’s the way it’s been for weeks now. Since Mercury started retrograding, but even a bit before that.

I travelled to Scotland, spent a night watching old pagan rights reenacted for modern times with big bonfires, drove winding roads that hugged lochs, camped in the cold rain. I went where the world pushed me. And when I returned, too much waited for me: work projects and to-do lists, long hours that passed too quickly with a heavy heart.

I could tell something was off with my cat Marty when I arrived home, and in the past few weeks, he’s gotten weaker and skinnier. I’ve cancelled plans to care for him, because when all is said and done, I can’t imagine a better way to spend my time than loving him. And right now, he’s holding on still, but some days, I’m overwhelmed. My heart is just breaking.

When so much is uncertain, you have no choice but to live in the moment. That’s where I’ve been.

But with Mercury spinning backwards across the sky, I’ve found myself in another place, one where I’m haunted by the past and the future. I feel the weight of where I’m going. It’s as if all the past threads and current threads of my life are finally converging to show me the bigger picture, except it still isn’t clear. But there are changes that need to be made — changes in my business, changes in this blog, changes in how I live my life.

There are more questions than answers, but we have to start somewhere, don’t we?

All Rights Reserved © Brandi Bernoskie LLC