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May03

Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

A month ago, Jess of Makeunder My Life wrote this post. Inspired by it, Ez of Creature Comforts has organized a group of bloggers today that are spilling their secrets across the web. Here are a few of mine.

I’m fractured. Between my Present Self and my Future Self, between my Good Self and my Not-So-Good Self. I struggle so often. I’m embarrassed that I’m 31 and just really beginning to figure myself out. (It’s at least good to be on the path.)

I was once in such a bad relationship that I was on anti-anxiety medication the whole time. He stole money from me. He cheated on me and made me believe that I was nothing without him. He lied to me so much that I still don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. And I blamed myself for letting it happen to me, for being so weak, for wanting someone to want me so badly that I would endure emotional abuse for it. (I’m stronger now and would never let that happen again.)

I’ve never been able to give boyfriends nicknames the way other girls do. The idea of calling anyone “baby” (besides a baby) makes my skin crawl a little bit, as does baby talk between adults does. (I wish I knew how to make up cute nicknames.)

I’m worried I will never do anything worthwhile in my life. (But that fear doesn’t stop me from trying to do great things.)

I eat organic and unprocessed foods 99.9% of the time. But I really really like Crunchy Cheetos. And red Swedish Fish. And Cadbury mini eggs. And in the past I’ve eaten entire bags of each in a single sitting. (I’m only learning now that I don’t have to be hard on myself for that.)

Are there things you’re afraid to tell people, either online or in your life?

{image by Ez of Creature Comforts}

42 comments

  • rooth

    I really like this series. I too can never give my boyfriends the standard “baby” or “honey” nickname. It actually makes my skin crawwwlll

  • Ana

    Brandi, this is absolutely crazy. I read this post and it is almost like I wrote this post myself. I was also in a relationship that pulled me all the way down to depression and anxiety attacks. Mr. Penny pincher took ALL my money, cheated on me and even made it seem as if I was so crazy that I was lying to his other girlfriend about our relationship. I realized then he was also stealing from her and spent all her money in opening a business to support himself. So bizarre. I always felt it was so strange that something like that had happened to me that I should be on one of those awkward trashy talk shows… On a different now, I only eat unprocessed foods about 80% of the time and I like cheetos flamin’ hot which is so hard to even confess. I wrote a post about getting personal yesterday and I’m sending this link to the person who asked the question. I think this will help her so much. Thank you for sharing, Brandi! xoxoxo

  • Katie

    I want to say something to each little confession here, something to make you feel secure about being vulnerable for a full post, but I keep saying the same thing: thank you for being brave enough to share, and don’t you dare beat yourself up for anything on this list later! :)

    I hope you are having a great day!

  • Teresa

    I wish!

    No, really. I wish I had things I still had to share with people.

    At least people I like. But I’m more the kind of lay bare all in first meeting so people know what to expect when dealing with me.

    It brought me several disapointements in the past, because many people view in others achievements the way to hurt me and leave me. By learning how I react to a determined thing they know they can use it. And many have in the past. And I fell everytime. I tell, then I see them leaving and I know I taught them how to… :(

    Love your sharings. My face was a treaty while reading it: frowning, sad, smilling, smug and finnalling I have the smile of someone who witness the baby (not the nickname, the real thing ;)) give the first steps knowing that from here, short of flying, there’s nothing she – YOU – won’t manage to overcome and Live.

    Be Happy, Sweet Girl! (I was going to call you baby to annoy, but I like you too much and that nick too little :))

  • Patricia

    Wow Brandy, the more I read you the more I like you. I really really understand. I know what it’s like to amount to be fearful of not achieving much in life. I live with this fear everyday. I’m a mother now, but I was brought up either unconsciously or consciously to believe that women can achieve anything. My mother got pregnant with me young (at 19) and had to quit medical school, but she still put herself through college, switched careers and ended up as a lawyer, and a justice of the peace. Her professional life was short (circumstances our of her control) but I’m so proud of what she became. She filled her professional void with spiritual curiosity, meditating, helping the disadvantaged, and so on, and I have nothing like that in my life. I will always feel short next to her, although I will never tell her. I think I’m too hard on myself, she tells me all the time, and yet I still feel that I haven’t and aren’t close to my life goal.

  • antonella

    The largest part of what we call ‘personality’ is determined by how we’ve opted to defend ourselves against anxiety and sadness [Alain de Botton].
    And you have a great personality, dear Brandi!

  • Dancing Branflake

    I was JUST thinking last night about you and your love life… haha, does that sound strange? Well, in my head I thought, “I wonder how Brandi is doing, she’s gone through a lot in the last year and I know change brings instability and fear. Being alone doesn’t help. I wish I could go see her…” and on and on my thoughts went. Been thinking about you and, yes, I envy you for living in such a fabulous city. But I do think with your personality being so driven and ambitious, it will always be hard to find peace with the present. I say that not in a bad way, but in a way that I’m trying to tell you how successful and creative and talented you are.

  • katie//salt+pine

    I love your honesty in this post, Brandi. Thank you for keepin’ it real. (Because you do so many amazingly awesome things, sometimes I think you are invincible. (Well, I still think you are, but in a very human way.) :) )

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  • hannah singer

    grateful for your sharing here today. you are so brave!
    i sometimes worry about the “worthwhileness” of what i’m doing with this one wild and precious life, too. and i think that’s ok.
    press on, you are lovely! xo

  • Freya

    i have so many things that I struggle with daily. Something I’ve always been afraid to admit is about my body. I want to, one day, accept me for me. I will not be 140 pounds, I am not a size 6. It’s just not healthy for me. I have to come to terms with it but I don’t know how. Keep strong. I find the most inspiration in your posts :)

  • kayla @ exquisite banana

    I published one of my own today. it’s an incredibly liberating feeling, isn’t it? can’t wait for our next in-person chat to discuss all this and more.

  • Theresa / inspirationCOOP

    Thank you for sharing your secrets with us. No easy task. I’ve been really enjoying going around and reading everyone’s thoughts today. It’s a great movement. I can definitely relate to your #1 and #4 (though I AM much older than 31)…Those could very well be my own secrets. Anyone who is interested in putting themselves out there and is self-aware, is definitely on the right path. You are on the right path. Keep on keeping on.

  • Erin

    More reasons why I adore you, my friend.
    Let’s share a bag of mini-eggs some time…

    Going to do a post like this myself. But it’s 10:30pm and it might have to wait until tomorrow.
    xo

  • Chelsey N

    I’m currently in therapy and participating in body image group therapy – my daily mantra is that empathy for yourself is as important as empathy for others!

  • Punctuation Mark

    Oh honey… where do I begin? my life has taken such a turn that i’m having a hard time keeping up with things… some good and others not so good… a couple of mistakes here and there.

    I do have to say a change in attitude has been the best thing i could’ve done… still have some work to do but i’m training myself to be more positive and not to think in negative anymore…

    BTW… lost all my numbers so send me a text and we seriously need to get on the phone!

  • Uncle Beefy

    Miss Brandi,

    1) Good for you for taking part in this movement started by Ez and airing your vulnerabilities!

    2) I’m so sorry to hear about your experience with an abusive relationship. Those kind of life moments are so hard, but what can also be hard are the lessons that they teach us. And, you’ve done well.

    3) Kendall and I call each other “Baby” and “Schmoopy”. (It started as a joke to annoy our friends. But, no one ever said anything and it ended up sticking. So be careful!) Needless to say, with your confession I burst out laughing!

    I find it uncanny that so many of us bloggers are arriving at this point at the same time. Clearly, we’re all ready for shedding some of the artifice that some of us have found ourselves, even inadvertently, participating in or feeling trapped by. And, what a breath of fresh air, right? Did Alt Summit do this to us somehow? I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but any move toward greater authenticity seems great by me.

    What I wouldn’t give for a chance to go sit and have tea/coffee with you for a few hours! But, for the time being, just know I’m sending you lots of back patting and BIG hugs!

    xo
    UB :)

  • joanna of sbp

    check. check. check. I see myself more or less in all of your secrets. thanks for sharing. lots of hugs for being you and to growth! xx J.

  • Anna @ IHOD

    Brandi,
    You know, I am so thankful Ez started this because I feel like it gives us all a chance to relate, encourage, and really get to know each other. I feel like I have a better picture of the amazing person you are! Thank you for sharing!
    x, Anna

  • Dorkys Ramos

    Brandi, you’re not the only one who struggles with figuring yourself out. Wanting to make each step count can be a bit paralyzing so I guess it’s important to remember to just keep walking, keep moving in some direction, let your gut guide you, and if it turns out to be the wrong path at least you’re figuring that out in time to try moving in another direction.

    I’m so happy you’ve joined in on the challenge, too :)

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  • katie

    i love you so much. i’m just getting back into reading my blogs after a 2 week hiatus, and i’m so happy to come back to this as my first!
    so delicious.
    you are amazing.
    this post just makes you all the more lovable and beautiful.

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  • Nic

    <3 your post!

    My sister and her husband call each other Madame. It's so funny.

    I'm 32 and kind of just now figuring myself out too. I listen to liars as well :(

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  • Ashley

    These posts are so refreshing! I just wanted to take a moment to tell you not to feel bad about just figuring out who you are at 31. I am 32 and feel the same way and I am also learning (because of people like you who are brave enough to share your struggles) that this is a common thing to go through in your thirties! That made me feel a lot better and a lot less alone. However, I’m in a relationship that is painful but mainly because this change in my life is causing me to see that we are growing apart and that he is not who I would choose as a mate at this point in my life if I had to start fresh. Unfortunately I have kids with him and am in a situation where I feel stuck with it so I’m trying to make it work. But that is so hard!
    Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for sharing!

  • Laurie

    Oh my goodness girl…. I’m 60, and I’m just really beginning to figure myself out! Trust me… you have a great head start! Been divorced for 5 years, after ending a 30 year marriage to the wrong person, who almost killed my soul. And just now finding out what makes me happy, and how to be happy, for the first time in my life. Oh how I wish I was again in my 30’s… it is THE best decade of ones life… so enjoy the heck out of it while you are in it. After 40… it’s a slow down-hill decent, away from a place you can never return to. You get wiser with each decade, however, sadly, your body gradually slows down and fall apart and there’s no going back to being young, free, and healthy. I didn’t plan to get ‘old’ till at least age 70 – but my body started falling apart in my late 50’s and I’ve lost the ability to do so many things already. You are in THE prime of your life. Soak it all in… and get all you can out of this decade! And take time to appreciate it, and make good memories for yourself to look back on 30 years from now. The most painful thing of old age, is not having much good to look back on and not having a lot of happy memories to enjoy. So – be good to yourself – and enjoy the heck out of the Cheetos! There will come a day you won’t be able to eat them anymore…lol. Hugs to you… Thank you for sharing!

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